The Night I Chose Suffering Over Suicide
Hi there, Connie here…
I vividly remember the first time I made a serious attempt at suicide. It was dead of winter, 1995, midnight, and I found myself at the spillway overlooking an icy river below.
My world had been completely shattered, and I was alone in what had become a world more cruel than I could ever have imagined. I had already endured decades of suffering due to unresolved childhood trauma, but the events of my young adult life rivaled even the darkest years of my young life.
I nearly lost my life that dark night, but Jesus showed up and helped me choose life instead of the dark fate that was beckoning to me. Because of His great mercy, I made the absolutely unconscious decision to endure the next step of my homeless recovery journey, and I still remember the thud as my foot touched back down onto the ground beneath the freezing guard rail overlooking that spillway.
It was terrifying.
I’m still in awe of the way Jesus continually carried me through those dark days, and that is the reason I have chosen to share these experiences with you. I desperately needed someone who could help me understand what was happening to me as my world continued to fall further and further apart.
It took some time before I could begin to engage in research about my diagnoses, but in time; I turned to the internet to find the answers I needed. The desperation I felt in those days is the reason I am publicly debriefing my own life experiences in hopes that someday, someone who needs answers as desperately as I did will find hope, comfort, and encouragement through my stories of overcoming decades of unresolved trauma.
The Bible verse I clung to during those days is a promise that Jesus had spoken to me during another dark night in 1988, which is this:
“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” Jeremiah 29:11 KJV
Surrendering my life that night was NOT the expected end that Jesus had planned for me, and so I am celebrating the fact that I am still alive and well enough to share my stories with you now!
Engaging in though provoking art projects has been one of the most powerful tools in my recovery arsenal, so it is my great delight to share my thoughts with you about the resources that were helpful to me.
I learned many valuable lessons during classes about metacognition, mindful living, and the impact that unresolved memories have on our brain and body.
So, with all THAT being said, our next step is to discuss the crisis hospitalization that was the catalyst I needed to begin the journey that has brought me to this place of grateful hindsight.
I will also share the scope of our work in a separate post, so I invite you to visit often, and join me in the discussion of the recovery plan that has brought me here today.
Thanks for visiting, and I look forward to seeing you again soon!
With much love, great compassion, and many prayers for all of us,
Connie
